I’ll be honest – I’ve been putting off writing this one because of the topic I chose for it:

Vulnerability.

It’s been quite a while since I settled on this but I had so many thoughts and honestly it is something that scares me just a little. (Or a lot, I’ll leave that for you to decide.) It’s scary. It means I have to show my soft underbelly to the cruel and limitless expanse of the internet audience.

Being vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be at risk. Opening up despite the potential for getting hurt. Walking into a war-filled battlefield that is everyday life without donning only the strongest armor and most trusted weapons. Laying down on a tattoo artist’s table and exposing pale, tender skin to a needle.

One of these things is not like the others, and only one of these things I would say I’m particularly practiced at. I am more than happy to pay an artist to inflict physical pain on me for the sake of art – but emotional pain? 

It can be particularly difficult for us to willingly stride through life in such a consciously undefended manner. What if the feeling isn’t mutual? What if I’m judged by the other person, or worse, they don’t like me? What happens if I ask for that promotion and don’t get it? There is a lot of potential pain waiting for us on the other side of many decisions that may keep us hesitant to make them. 

However, I have found that more often than not things turn out better than my anxiety thinks they will. I end up only robbing myself of the happiness I could be experiencing in that moment instead. In more ways than one, worrying about potential outcomes is a way to put yourself through a time of difficulty twice. It is better to be present in the time before that moment, know that the pain is only temporary, and return to peace when it is done. Worrying is only putting yourself through the pain of an event before it happens, then again when it actually does happen. IF it happens.

To be present in the moment means to allow yourself to fully exist in it, it’s current company and surroundings, regardless of how “dangerous” they may seem. It means being authentic to the way you’re feeling without getting caught up in it in order to connect with another, whether through an emotional bond or conflict. It is being yourself everywhere you go despite the possibility of criticism. It is a certain honesty with who that is to know where they would like to improve. 

I will be the first to admit that I am very guilty of putting up my shield and scrambling to prepare for the worst in even the simplest situations. (I hate making phone calls and don’t get me started on asking for something from someone.) But 9 times out of 10, I look back and think about how unnecessary it was and how much energy I wasted on it. This is what is driving me to actively choose to be more vulnerable this year, to do away with this waste. 

In my last post, I listed out several intentions for 2021 but I believe this one is the most important. A few on that list depend on this one, now that I think about it.

In order to be mindful and present in the moment, I have to allow myself to do so. It requires feeling any discomfort of that time but also leaving the pain to be a result of an event, not my anxiety. If I want to be more empathetic to myself, I need to realize that any negative feelings I may have are real and valid – then recognize that in others when I extend to them the same sympathy. Adventure does not come without maybe a little injury, there is no opportunity without potential windfall.

Most importantly, we can’t let others in if our walls are too high and our gates sealed shut. These may keep invaders at bay but they also deny entry to those who may come bearing gifts. We cannot receive the love our friends and partners want to give us if we don’t open up to accept it. 

The wisdom of impermanence is what should facilitate this for us. The moments of joy and warmth from bonding with others are just as temporary as the moments of pain that come from conflict or separation. Their fleeting nature should be what guides us to be appreciative of the times of happiness and what gives us the strength to endure the times of discomfort. Both come with the territory and both are important. One gives rise to growth and one reminds us of why it is all worth it in the end. 

I suppose this process for me is beginning by sitting down and laying out the coat of mail I’ve carefully crafted, the shield I’ve fortified and the weapon I’ve honed. Placing them on the proverbial table to appreciate the purpose they served when I needed them, recognizing their own unique beauty, then thoughtfully putting them away. These things protected me and the empathetic approach to myself is knowing this, but realizing that they no longer serve me. I don’t need a knight’s full gear to progress in my personal life anymore. I don’t need to have my anxiety send out recon agents or arm myself to eliminate the threat before it eliminates me. My life does not need to be a war.

My goal here is to start by being myself with myself, in my own skin and traveler’s clothes. To be able to look at myself and accept it all for only what it is, not good nor bad – and allow others to see who she is unobscured by bulky armor. The key to mindfulness in this aspect of life is that very kind of acceptance. Acceptance of the self in the moment, any present pain or joy, and the gifts our journey and companions offer us. To love and be loved by both yourself and those dear to you.

I find myself feeling nervous sharing this with you but there is no mastery without practice, right? Consider this an attempt at being vulnerable with both myself and with you. This is my decision to put away the armor and lay down my sword and shield. I will be okay even if I get hurt, and in some cases, the scars may be as beautiful as those marked by ink in my skin.

Ashes Bardole is my tattoo artist. See more of her work over at http://www.ashesbardole.com

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